FEBRUARY 2021 IGNOMINIOUS ABSURDITY OF THE MONTH: THE IGGY

1. Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson. If you want to catch Sen. Johnson in a lie, just ask him a question. If you merely want to catch him, put a peanut in a box with a hole that’s big enough for him to slide his hand through but not big enough for him to remove his closed fist. When you finally show up three days later, he’ll be so desperate for your help he’ll grant you three wishes.

So, yeah, it’s no surprise that Johnson has already disgorged the clumsiest and dumbest post-impeachment take you’re likely to hear from anyone in Congress.

In an interview today with conservative radio talk show host Jay Weber, RoJo said this:

"The fact of the matter is this didn’t seem like an armed insurrection to me. I mean armed, when you hear armed, don’t you think of firearms? Here’s the questions I would have liked to ask. How many firearms were confiscated? How many shots were fired? I’m only aware of one, and I’ll defend that law enforcement officer for taking that shot."

Good thing Rojo has set the record straight for we Americans who thought the attack on the Capitol was an insurrection. We need Johnson’s sharp analytical mind to make things clear for us, like World War II was just another street fight. Good thing Johnson set the media straight that Covid-19 is just a STD, Katrina was a Spring shower, and the February chill proves that global warming is a hoax.

Just when you think Senator Johnson can’t be any more asinine... Johnson claimed on Sunday that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was to blame for the riot at the US Capitol rather than President Donald Trump. While seeking to defend Trump, Johnson said in an interview with Fox News host Maria Bartiromo that the impeachment is part of a plot to divert attention from Pelosi, and what she "knew" ahead of the riot.

"Is this another diversionary operation? Is this meant to deflect away from potentially what the speaker knew and when she knew it? I don't know, but I'm suspicious," Johnson said of Pelosi.

Johnson had the delusional obstinance to claim he and Trump bore no responsibility for the mob attack on the Capitol and Congress, which was spurred by their repeated lies and false claims about the election.

What RoJo is attempting to posit here is that Nancy Pelosi anticipated the storming of the Capitol, and instead of taking measures to ensure its security, she allowed it to be overrun just to make Trump and Republicans look bad.

And you thought Louie Gohmert was moronic.

2. Michigan State Majority Leader Mike Shirkey. Shirkey dropped in on party officials last week to explain to his fellow Republicans that the assault on the Capitol was “a hoax.” Forget what you saw. According to Shirkey, those were not Trump supporters, everything was peaceful, and the whole event was staged.

Shirkey insisted that the attack was a scheme whipped up by … Republican Senate Leader Mitch McConnell with the assistance of Democratic D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser.

As The Detroit Free Press reports, Shirkey made the remarks to Hillsdale County Republican Party officials in a meeting in which the organization was preparing to issue a censure … against Shirkey … for failing to “stand up” to Gov. Gretchen Whitmer, which apparently means that Shirkey was insufficiently supportive of armed militia that swarmed Michigan’s own state capitol while planning to kidnap and execute Whitmer. (Spoiler alert: they did censor Shirkey the next day.)

But facing a group that was angry at him for not protecting the rights of a paramilitary goon squad to wave AR-15s inside the Capitol building, Shirkey did his best to show that he was one of them by breaking out a conspiracy theory that went from Q all the way to Z. 

"That wasn’t Trump people,” said Shirkey. “That’s been a hoax from day one. It was all staged.” Later, Shirkey admits that some Trump supporters might have been among the crowd who swarmed the Capitol. However, he has an excuse for them. “Some of those Trump folks probably just got caught up in the emotion of it.”

According to Shirkey, those who staged the “hoax” included Sen. Mitch McConnell who, according to Shirkey, “wanted a mess.” Fellow Republicans gathered around the table speak in agreement, talking about how peaceful the protest actually was, and how they didn’t see “anyone punch a cop.”

Questioned about D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser, Shirkey describes her as “just a puppet” in the scheme to make Trump look bad. “It was ridiculous,” said Shirkey. “It was all staged.”

The group also spends quite a bit of time discussing how “ridiculous” it was to shoot Ashli Babbitt because, according to Shirkey, every other time the insurgents broke through a barrier, the cops “just got out of the way.” Other Republicans joined in complaining that Babbitt was “just an unarmed woman coming through a window.”

3. Senator Tommy Tuberville (R-Ala). Tuberville, the first member of Congress to be named after the inside of his own head, is at it again. The brand-new Alabama senator is locked in an epic battle with Wisconsin’s Ron Johnson to see whose brain will pass out of his body like a kidney stone first, and I’d say Tuberville is making a pretty strong run. I know it’s early, but I’m prepared to replace Senator Johnson and christen Tuberville as America’s dumbest senator.

Tuberville declined to comment on the controversy surrounding a north Georgia congresswoman under fire for believing the country’s deadliest school shooting was a hoax -- along with other conspiracy theories -- because recent severe weather has prevented him from reading the news, according to a report published Tuesday.

“I haven’t even looked at what all she’s done,” Tuberville, a Republican, told CNN about Republican congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene of Georgia, Business Insider reported. “I’d have to hold back a statement on that. Travel in this weather it’s been a little rough looking at any news or whatever.”

Huh?

Did Tuberville ever fly before joining Congress? Has he been circling the Earth like a squirrel monkey in a Soyuz capsule, too freaked out to pick up a damn newspaper or use the internet? Yeah, turbulence sucks, but it shouldn’t keep you from being fully informed about the congresswoman who seems destined to chew off your face in a bath salts fugue before laying thousands of tiny eggs in your chest.

Yeah, you can’t just claim Obama weather machines are foiling you and expect to move on from that.

4. Los Tres Texas Amigos. With millions of Texans freezing in their homes, leave it to three top Texas elected officials to demonstrate their deceitful assaults on truth, compassion and humanity.

Amigo #1, Ted Cruz. What was Cruz’ response? He showed his sense of entitlement and total lack of empathy to flee to a Ritz-Carlton in Cancun, offering little more to his constituents than a political cliché of wanting “to be a good dad.” The consummate phony, he tried to project a compassionate concern for his cold and dying constituents by saying:

“This has been an infuriating week for Texans. The greatest state in the greatest country in the world has been without power. We have food lines, gas lines, and people sleeping at the neighbors’ houses. Our homes are freezing and our lights are out. Like millions of Texans, our family lost heat and power too. With school cancelled for the week, our girls asked to take a trip with friends. Wanting to be a good dad, I flew down with them last night and am flying back this afternoon. My staff and I are in constant communication with state and local leaders to get to the bottom of what happened in Texas. We want our power back, our water on, and our homes warm. My team and I will continue using all our resources to keep Texans informed and safe.”

What a crock of shit.

Cruz thought he could redefine the situation as a misunderstanding, by claiming the family had simply been catering to a sudden whim of their children. It was his teen daughters who had cajoled their parents into making the trip on a moment’s notice, said the Texas senator. Cruz offered the explanation that he was simply dropping off relatives in Cancun and had planned to return the next day. His only mistake was being a good dad. Unfortunately, Cruz didn’t have the faintest clue his wife had texted an invite to their friends to join her and her family in their delightful week-long escape to Cancun.

Overnight only, huh? Do you carry a large stuffed roller bag with you when you’re simply traveling to drop off relatives? Probably not. Just a hunch.

Good God almighty. Well, this proves Ted Cruz isn’t the Zodiac Killer, because even the Zodiac wouldn’t be sociopathic enough to blame his fucking kids for the biggest asshole move in Texas history.

Anyway, if you thought Ted Cruz couldn’t get any sleazier, I’m only too happy to disabuse you of that notion. I doubt we’ve plumbed the depths yet. After all, he has four years left in his current term.

Amigo #2, Texas Governor Gregg Abbot, blamed the complete meltdown of state infrastructure not on a lack of preparation from state leaders, or its near total reliance on an unregulated, free-market driven, oil and gas infrastructure, but on the Green New Deal, a liberal proposal that is not even close to becoming law.

Amigo #3: Not to be outshined, former Governor Rick Perry suggested that Texans would willingly endure days of blackouts to keep the “federal government out of their business.” Yea, who wouldn’t want to spend their time melting snow into water?

Spin it as you want, but the root of the Texas tragedy can be summarized in one word: Republicans. There are several lessons someone with a “modicum” of intelligence could take away from this episode: lessons involving dishonesty, hypocrisy, arrogance, insensitivity, and politicizing a human tragedy. Given Gov. Abbott’s blinkered view of the state’s current self-inflicted crisis, it’s likely they’ll never learn any lessons.

5. Republican Voters. I understand why wealthy people might vote Republican, but I’ve been mystified why so many white working class and even some poor folks would vote for the party of the rich, especially since Donald Trump’s presidency has proven so disastrous for ordinary Americans. I’ve considered, as factors, xenophobia, racism and a longing for the past when people of color knew their place, shattered American dreams, disillusionment with Democrats, right-wing media, and an antipathy for identity politics and political correctness. I’ve tried to find some generosity of spirit.

GOP reaction to the January 6 insurrection, however, has been falling back to a simple explanation: sheer stupidity. In a new poll, a majority, of Republicans blame Biden for the Capitol riot. I’ve been rolling it around in my fogged-up head for a couple of minutes, and I can’t seem to confect any reasonable explanation for how Joe Biden could possibly be held responsible for the Jan. 6 Capitol riot.

In anew Morning Consult survey, not only did Donald Trump regain his pre-insurrection backing among Republicans (“59% of GOP voters said Trump should play a “major role” in the Republican Party going forward, up 18 points since a Jan. 6-7 survey”), those same Republican voters are also more likely to blame Joe Biden for the riot than Donald Trump.

According to the poll, conducted at the conclusion of the Senate’s weeklong trial, a majority of Republican voters (54 percent) said they would support Trump in a hypothetical 2024 presidential primary election – matching the share who said the same in late November, before his standing dipped in a survey conducted shortly after the deadly Jan. 6 riot at the Capitol.

The base’s increased appetite for the former president’s continued presence on the political stage came as Republican voters became less likely to blame Trump for the events that led to the riot.

Compared with the Jan. 6-7 survey, the share of Republicans who said Trump is very or somewhat responsible for the events fell 14 points, to 27 percent. Over the same time period, the share of GOP voters who blamed President Joe Biden for the riot increased 4 points (to 46 percent) while the share who blamed congressional Democrats increased 10 points (to 58 percent).

I swear, I’m gonna need to have a third arm grafted to my abdomen just for face-palming.

What in Hell did Joe Biden do? The only possible answer is that these walnut-brained louts think he stole the election, and that Trump was just doing his patriotic duty. Or something.

Well, I guess the “it was really antifa” lie never quite took hold, so let’s just say it was Biden. You saw all the Biden flags, right? We stormed the Capitol to make sure they promptly counted the votes! Because that’s how Democrats roll!

Extreme Republican partisan tunnel vision is, to be sure, at work here, but one cannot escape the conclusion that the typical GOP voter is fucking nuts-- morons of the highest order.

6. Iowa State Senator Jim Carlin. While Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley has yet to make a decision about seeking an eighth term, one fellow Republican has already announced a bid for the seat: state Sen. Jim Carlin, a pro-Trump die hard who has baselessly claimed the 2020 election was stolen and spouted antisemitic conspiracy theories blaming wealthy Jews like Mark Zuckerberg and George Soros for the outcome.

Carlin didn't appear to address the incumbent in recent remarks discussing his run, though earlier this month, Grassley said he'd finalize his plans within "several weeks." Carlin may be hoping to push Grassley to the exits, but he doesn't seem like a particularly imposing presence: Iowa Starting Line notes he "doesn't start with much of a political infrastructure in the state."

Just last week, Carlin introduced legislation requiring that all employees of Iowa's public universities be interrogated about their political beliefs, part of a long-running conservative crusade against higher education. He's also pushing a “bathroom bill” that would target transgender people and has proposed a measure requiring that schoolchildren be taught cursive handwriting.

7. Eric Trump. Eric Trump appeared on Fox & Friends this morning with Steve Doocy, Ainsley Earhardt, and Brian Kilmeade. It wasn’t exactly the Algonquin Roundtable. During the conversation, they passed the lone brain cell they share together to whoever wanted to speak next—like it was the tribal conch in Lord of the Flies or a group therapy leader’s Koosh ball or something.

And like a little boy who thinks the world disappears when he closes his eyes, Eric decided magic happens whenever his daddy steps into or out of the White House.

To wit: Eric Trump thinks Texas is freezing right now because of Joe Biden. Because, you know, Joe Biden has a Thor-like sway over the weather.

After Doocy asked Trump about his dad’s upcoming CPAC speech (in which he’s ostensibly going to talk about Joe Biden and all the Joe Biden-y things he’s done) as well as Trump highly anticipated revenge tour, Tweedledee said this:

ERIC TRUMP: “Listen, I say it every day, but there’s 75, 80 million people who would follow my father to the end of the Earth. They love him, they love what he stands for. They love that he goes out and he fights for America. They love that he’s not scripted and he’s not the typical politician. He’s not a career politician, and, you know, they’re incredibly proud of him. They love that he's hugging the American flag like you’re seeing right there in the B-roll, right? I mean, they love that about him, and you’re seeing less and less of that every single day, and so there’s no question he’ll play a pivotal role in politics for a very long time to come.”

Yes, you are seeing less literal flag-hugging from our POTUS every single day. That is accurate.

Instead, our president wants to rebuild our alliances, cease coddling our enemies, and bring competence back to our federal agencies. Instead of dry-humping flags into oblivion. Outrage.

Oh, but Eric wasn’t done. After saying he believes his dad “is the modern Republican Party” and that anyone who crossed him will likely get primaried, he disgorged this nonsense from his tumescent, sputtering Trump head.

ERIC TRUMP: “I think every single day Biden makes people miss Donald Trump more when you see these policies that are literally destroying jobs, that are destroying industries, that are causing Texas to freeze, that are cutting off our power to our energy grids, and all these other nonsensical policies.”

Okay, he can't really be this stupid, can he?

I mean, granted, this is the Trumpian way. Take credit for anything good that happens while Trump was in office while disclaiming responsibility for anything bad. And the cutoff point is immediately when you or the other guy takes over. So, Trump took credit for Obama’s recovery moments after he entered the White House, but a pandemic that he let spiral out of control and kill more than 500,000 Americans? Oh, let’s not look at that. It's a trifle.

Of course, what we must focus on is Joe Biden’s alleged role in a Texas deep freeze that had literally zero to do with Joe Biden. Did Biden insist on deregulating Texas’ energy system and maintaining an independent grid that would keep it out of the clutches of “typical” politicians like Joe Biden?

Nah, that was Texas. In fact, what we’re seeing now is a conservative Republican hellscape whose paternity cannot be questioned. But hey, when your followers think like children, you can speak like a child and get away with it. Particularly when you’re talking to a Fox News brain trust that can’t manage to cobble together a human brain between them.

__________________________

And the February winner is:

This choice is really, difficult. All are eminently worthy of an IGGY. I’ve decided to give the February award to Eric Trump, though I know many of you will disagree. Feel free to send a comment with your preference.