AUGUST 2019 IGNOMINIOUS ABSURDITY OF THE MONTH: THE IGGY

1. Jeffrey E. Epstein. Epstein, the wealthy financier who is accused of sex trafficking, and child molesting had an unusual dream: He hoped to seed the human race with his DNA by impregnating women at his vast New Mexico ranch where he could maintain a vast stable of women for the sole task of impregnation—by himself.

Mr. Epstein’s vision reflected his longstanding fascination with what has become known as transhumanism: the science of improving the human population through technologies like genetic engineering and artificial intelligence. Critics have likened transhumanism to a modern-day version of eugenics, the discredited field of improving the human race through controlled breeding.

That’s something you can kind of envision the leaders of the Third Reich contemplating in their Berlin bunker at the close of World War II, just before the Soviet tanks overran them. It appears to stem from some egomaniacal notion that because they’ve managed, whether by fortune, skill, conquest, or just plain dumb luck to attain a hugely disparate share of power over others, well, there must be something special about themselves that separates them from the rest of the human race .

In the case of Epstein, a billionaire who quite literally had the world at his beck and call, it apparently took the form of  trying to achieve some type of "immorality." This strain of gross egotism isn’t all that uncommon among the billionaire set. Jeff Bezos and Peter Thiel are some examples of those who’ve succumbed to this burning desire to bless the world with their perpetual existence, devoting large chunks of their fortunes to quixotic “life extension” projects.

But even among such rarefied company, Epstein still sounds like a character straight out of Blade Runner:

Beyond his fixation with “transhumanism” and buried deep in that New York Times article, another interesting tidbit about Epstein was brought out.  As spotted by Marie Lodi, writing for New York Magazine:

If that wasn’t shocking enough, another detail that stood out was Epstein’s supposed interest in cryonic preservation, a pseudoscientific process in which the human body or head is frozen and stored with the hope that it could be successfully revived in the future, à la Encino Man. According to sources who spoke to the Times, Epstein “wanted his head and penis to be frozen.”

While he presumably wanted to have his head frozen to protect his brain, it’s not clear what benefit Epstein desired to bestow on future generations with his frozen penis. Nor was the method and storage of preserving this appendage fully fleshed out. As the penis itself serves as a mere vehicle for reproduction, the natural question arises as to whether Epstein meant for his testicles to be preserved as well. Or whether he intended his penis to maintain some sort of functionality down through the centuries, in some type of animatronic-like state.

Further complicating the situation, Epstein made no known arrangements for the penis’ presentation or the manner in which the public might view it.  So, whether it was meant to be seen by private invitation or by the broader public remains a mystery (perhaps he envisioned lines forming around the block at the Met in New York, for example, for such an exhibit). The sad likelihood is that, with Epstein’s suicide we will never get a straight answer to these questions.

I have no evidence, but I suspect that Donald Trump has sacked away some of his sperm for future breeding purposes. How better to extend his white nationalist legacy? And, would you put it past the Trumpster to have his head and penis frozen as well? (To be sure, after he has had them cast in bronze and put on display in the Capitol Rotunda.)

But when all is said and done, Epstein and Trump shouldn’t be worried. Enough evidence has already been developed about their character and behavior that few will conclude that they were anything less than colossal pricks. And no one needs to see their penises for that.